Days 609 - 631
Post date: Mar 19, 2018 1:23:52 PM
SUNDAY - MONDAY
Time flies! Zerin already has four stars on her Missionary Chart, which means she's been gone for four months already.
I want to spend some time talking about recovery. Once you find out you are codependent, your world changes. You may think you are all done, you've found the problem, now life will all be great, only it doesn't work that way.
Codependency is an addiction. The addiction is focusing your life so much on controlling other people, you stop taking care of yourself. You find yourself wrapped up in stuff you shouldn't be wrapped up in. You forgo your own needs and wants in order to do for others. While this sacrifice seems worthwhile, a sacrifice which destroys you isn't really a sacrifice, it's an addiction.
You have to detach or let go of the things you don't need to be controlling. Think of it this way, look in the mirror, that's the only person you should be trying to control.
You can't make your kids or spouse do what you want them to do. You CAN NOT control other people. If you have kids, think about the last time you tried to get a toddler to go to bed. If they choose not to go to bed, then that's on them. They will be tired and crabby and maybe not able to go to the park or do something fun. However, you trying to get them to sleep, well it never works and it will drive you crazy. Setting boundaries, telling them consequences for their actions and THEN FOLLOWING THROUGH, is what will work.
People can't read your mind. You need to become better at communicating. This means you will need to trust the people you are communicating with. If you need someone to vacuum the entire house, say that. Don't say, I need you to vacuum. Say, I need you to vacuum every room in the house and it needs to be done before we leave for your game. So you have to start vacuuming within the next seven minutes or it won't get done. If you don't vacuum the entire house before we leave, we will not be stopping for ice cream after the game.
It starts with little things. Little changes. Falling back into codependent behaviors also starts with little things. Asking your child or spouse to do something, then doing it yourself, because it's "easier." It isn't easier, it's controlling. It's lack of trust. You have to trust. I know it's hard, but you have to.
You have to trust yourself. You have to love and take care of yourself. If you can't do something, you have to delegate and trust it will get done. If it doesn't get done, the world won't end. The world will not fall into chaos because the dishes didn't get loaded correctly into the dishwasher.
Stop criticizing everyone. It doesn't do anything for anyone. It totally demolishes any trust and makes you feel bad. You fall into the victim mode and the oh poor me mode. Stop it. Love yourself. You will be the best person you can be if you simply take care of yourself.
If others fail, that's on them, let them fail. We have been given this life to be tried and tested. To have joy and sorrows. Don't take away someone's opportunity to grow.
Take a walk. Walk away. Breathe.
I'm not very good with meditation. To be honest, I think it's a waste of time. If I want to sit still, it's because I want to sit still, not because I want to focus on trying to be still. That's doing something, instead of not doing something.
I do, however, need to time to just sit and be. Looking around the room, seeing the bird sitting on the branch and the rain clouds in the distance. Not worrying about the super long list of things you need to get done, they will get done, or they will fall off the list and you will move forward. I found a list from a few months ago, a long list of things that NEEDED to get done. Funny, I lost the list and found it six months later. So, how did I do? Well, I'd forgotten about most of the things on the list, like getting apples at the store. However, the things I needed to do, like redoing my taxes, applying for financial aid, and finishing a website, all managed to get done, without the list. It's about trusting yourself. I could have spent months looking for that list, it was crumpled up at the bottom of a box...or I could have just lived my life.
I just lived my life.
You need to attend meetings. You need to attend meetings. One more time, you need to attend meetings. You need to know you are not alone. You need the insight of others who have worked the steps and are moving forward. Go to www.coda.org to find a meeting.
You need a sponsor. Seriously, you need a sponsor. Someone who has worked the steps and isn't wrapped up in controlling others. Someone, to say, "Hey, this is how I feel, is it healthy or codependent?"
At one point, you will think you are "just fine." You aren't. That should be a huge warning to you. If you are no longer codependent in any of your behaviors, you need to be the one at the meeting for those who have just begun this journey.
If you are making excuses as to why you shouldn't go to a meeting, you need to go to a meeting. If you don't have time for a meeting, you aren't taking care of yourself. You are busy with something else, besides your recovery. The alcoholic who no longer needs meetings is headed down a path towards drinking again.
I know, you inherited this from your parents, that doesn't change the fact it is an addiction. It does not simply go away.
Love and take care of yourself. You are the best person for this job.