Post date: Aug 29, 2016 3:02:58 PM
TUESDAY - MONDAY
I guess I get my 60-Day chip or something. Instead of happily skipping down the road, I've felt like I'm standing in the middle of the road looking around, like an idiot.
It has been a hard week for me. If I were to put it in terms of being an alcoholic, it would look like this:
I've been sober 64 days. WHOO-HOO. Go me! I am amazed that I've gone so long without a drink. The future looks amazing. Except all around me, the people who have lived with my drinking, keep bring up the past. They keep telling me about all the things I screwed up, all the things I did wrong. AND they just LOVE pointing out all the things I am currently doing wrong. Makes me want to drink.
I am not an alcoholic. I don't drink, at all. However, I'm experiencing all of the anger and frustration from those I love, whom I have treated poorly. "I'm in recovery," I just want to shout at them. "I am learning. This is all new to me. I'm sorry I was codependent and wasn't the perfect mom. I DID THE BEST I COULD GIVEN THE INFORMATION I HAD. I get that I fell short, but I am in recovery now and I'm trying to make changes and be better."
I just feel this huge lack of empathy from my family.
It has been a hard week for me. I don't know what to do, except keep living my life codependency free. My daughter told me she was going to raise her kids totally different from how she was raised. I told her that was correct. She needed to raise them totally different from the way she was raised.
I have caused my family pain. I get it. I didn't knowingly do it.
The other day, my husband said, on three different occasions, "Now, don't get mad, but I need to tell you something." The things he told me didn't upset me, at all. They were just things I needed to know. I asked him why he prefaced them with don't get mad. Then I realized, it was the first time he had ever tried to correct me, in a very long time. He said in the past he didn't want to deal with me reacting, so he wouldn't say anything. It was wonderful to have him tell me things. It's been missing in our relationship. It only took 60 days for that to change, so maybe in time, my children will change too. My husband even got mad at me for something I said and told me. It was nice. Sometimes I can wander off the beaten path over something stupid, and now it is nice to have someone direct me back to the correct path.
It all has to do with honesty. Being afraid to talk to someone, not saying something, while it isn't dishonest, it isn't honest either. I need honesty in my life.
I however, don't need my children pointing out everything I do wrong, ALL THE TIME. I know I have hurt them and 60 days doesn't really amount to all that much time, when you consider the years they endured.
I watch my codependent children and it makes me sad. They have no desire to change. They are happy and self-righteous in their codependency. While I see nothing but rage and victimization. It is tough to watch. It destroys my peace and the peace inside my home.
They don't see the craziness of their actions. Maybe they never will. That is a very sad thought.
Time. It is God's time, not mine. I'm in God's hands and His hands are strong. His hands are good.