Days 538 - 567
Post date: Jan 14, 2018 2:38:49 PM
I've had an amazing month or so. I've started a new business with my family. It's been amazing and time-consuming. It has been peaceful and fulfilling. Life is so amazing when you are simply living it in harmony with those around you.
The other night, my husband and I were watching one of our favorite shows, This Is Us. In one scene, the mother is having a conversation with the father. She says something like, "I'm always the bad guy and you are always the good guy." My husband laughed. He said that I always used to say that. I do believe the mother in the show is codependent. Her mother is the original codependent and she, sadly, is the inherited codependent, and she doesn't even know it.
My husband was right. I did say those words a lot. So, let's analyze what those few words actually mean.
"I'm always the bad guy." This statement is 100% victim. Poor me. I always have to be something I don't want to be. Yet, I take that role on willingly because, well, I don't trust the "good guy" knows what he or she is doing, so I have to do it. I feel like I'm the bad guy. Why wouldn't I? My whole life I've been the bad guy, even though I rarely did anything to warrant this title. So in adult life, I've taken this role and embraced it. I feel guilty for being the bad guy, but hey, someone has to do it, because if someone doesn't do it, the whole world will turn to mass chaos.
"You are always the good guy." You always get to do the fun stuff. To be honest, you get to do the normal stuff. Like spending time with the kids or hanging out with the kids or doing fun stuff with the kids. Stuff I won't allow myself to do because fun just isn't something I can do. I have to be the one controlling everything while you get to go off and have fun. And YES, I resent you for it. Why can't I just have fun? When I try to have fun with the kids they are wary of me. It's like they are walking on eggshells, waiting for me to get mad and yell at them.
Does this sound like your home? Can you see how the controlling codependent isn't having any fun? I haven't used that phrase for almost 2 years and guess what? My home did not fall into chaos. My kids aren't on drugs or failing school. My husband and I are united in our parenting discipline. It is no more of go ask one parent and if they say no, go ask the other. It's now if mom says no, it's no for both or if dad says no, mom will too.
Letting go means you learn to trust. It doesn't mean you are weak. It means you trust those around you to make good choices. You lead by example, not by coercion. You trust they will make mistakes, and learn from them. You let them have those experiences. You let go and simply love. Love yourself. Trust that you are NOT the bad one. You don't have to have that role. No one does. Discipline is a way of life, but it is a punishment for things not going the way they should.
You set boundaries, you establish rules. If those boundaries or rules are broken, there is a punishment. It's that simple. You don't live your life like a prison guard, you live your life loving and taking care of yourself.
"I trust you to make the best decision." This is the most powerful thing you can say to anyone in your home. Then you shut up, back down, and LET THEM make the decision. Even if it is one you don't agree with. You are free to give your opinion, if they say, "What do you think?" but not if they don't ask for it. If children don't learn to make mistakes and how to recover from them, you are crippling them. Let go. Trust.
You can do it!
You are NOT the bad guy. You are a good guy.