Days 514 - 537
Post date: Dec 15, 2017 4:04:42 PM
WEDNESDAY - FRIDAY
Life is good. I've been working hard to get Inherited Codependent: The First 365 Days from Crazy to Tranquility and All the Steps In Between finished. It's been a labor of love and lots of reflection. I've been able to go through and look at each of my many days and stages. I don't really know where I would be today without recovery. I really don't want to think too much about that. I know, right now, I'm loved, cared for, love myself, and am happy.
Yes, there are trials in life. I don't know why everything happens, I just know there is this plan. I feel myself getting pulled down a certain path and it is exciting. When I fight against it, I get pulled even harder. Pulled. Not pushed. I don't believe I've ever been pushed into anything. That would require taking away my free will. I think of pushing as such a negative thing.
Instead, here, let me show you the way. It's over here. It requires working some steps, doing some reading, getting a sponsor, and trying your hardest. It doesn't require perfection.
Step 5 : Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
I've found myself hitting Step 5 a lot lately. My son, recently home from his mission, isn't used to the changes. He has some really bad norms. It is pretty caustic when he is around. I've had the opportunity to apologize and talk through issues with all of my other older children. Now, however, I find myself back at square one with my son.
So here I go. Dearest Son, I was a really crappy mom. I never had your back. I never supported you. I found fault in everything you did. I wanted you to be the person I thought you should be and THANK GOD (literally) you fought against me. I judged you and found you unworthy. I am not that person any more. I do not live my life like that anymore. I don't deserve anything from you. Forgiving me is in your court. Know that I am sorry. I am trying my hardest, today, to be the best person I can be. And guess what, I fall short. I love you. I'm here to support you. I want you in my life in a positve and supportive way. We need to communicate clearly. We need to trust. We need to have hope in that plan for our futures and help each other be who we are destined to be.
Recovery is amazing. Come, jump on the train with me.
Forgive yourself, find faith.