Days 419 - 432
Post date: Sep 1, 2017 2:05:43 PM
FRIDAY - FRIDAY
It seems when the school year starts things get super busy. I find myself exhausted and churning through the days. It is probably because I'm not sleeping well. Now, this isn't because I've got too much on my plate or I'm worrying about things, it's mainly because I wake up at 3:30 and just can't fall back asleep. The nice thing is I'm not worrying about things or thinking of what can go wrong. I basically try to go back to sleep. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Sleep deprivation isn't a good thing.
I've been thinking a lot about Step 1. Getting to the point in one's life where you realize your life is no longer manageable. You know something is wrong, but as a codependent, you're probably blaming everyone else for your misery. The moment you surrender your life over to God, amazing things will begin to happen.
First, you take ownership of how you feel. You can no longer blame others for the crappy life you've had. You look within to fix what is broken and no longer try to fix others. It is empowering. It is freeing. It is frightening. Who really wants to find out they are the broken one? Who wants to have to fix what they thought was OK?
Really? Just OK? OK isn't good. It's just blah.
Step 1 removes the crazy. Codependent crazy is a real thing. It's curled up in a ball, crying, because of the misery of what is happening to you. It's the poor me. It can quickly turn into the rage against everything. The lashing out, cruel words, the LOOK AT ME I'M IN PAIN, and you're doing nothing to help me. Except, you probably aren't saying that. You're just being cruel. Hoping someone will take the hints, get the clues, and sadly, you're pushing away those who could help you, because, after all, who would want to help you. Codependent crazy is crazy. It makes no sense. Looking back at my life, in my many many rages, I can now see just how irrational they were.
I remember once, at a department store, I stormed up to my husband and demanded the car keys. His response was, "You've got to be kidding me." I yelled, belittled, and went so far as to reach my hand into his pocket. When I switched the car keys I was holding to my other hand, to reach into his other pocket, I realized I was HOLDING the keys I was demanding. Wouldn't it have been easier for me to walk up to my husband and say, "Hey hunny, I can't find the car keys." To which, he probably would have laughed and said, "You're holding them." Laughter instead of rage.
The other night, my daughter brought up something I had said many years ago. She was really upset about it. I told her I was sorry and to not judge me by the person I was. It isn't fair. I get I was a horrible person, but I'm not that person anymore. I'm recovering. I'm not fixed. I'm still working hard to be the person Heavenly Father wants me to be.
Knowing the the next step, Step 2, RESTORES US TO SANITY, it's worth surrendering our will.
Work the steps, they work. But you have to work them ALL the time. It's not like a book you read once. You need to go through the steps, take a week or a month, but work through them. Then, once you know them all, go back to the ones you feel you need to work on some more. The 12 Steps are a lifetime of sanity, not a quick fix. You have a lifetime of norms to undo.
Go to meetings. Meetings are important. Everyone is tired or has better things to do. I have yet to go to a meeting where I didn't learn something profound. PROFOUND. Meetings, with people like you, will help you feel like you're not the only one. You're not on this journey alone.
Get a sponsor. Someone who has been there, done that. Someone to bounce ideas off of. Someone you can reach out to when you need them. Sponsors won't solve your problems. They're in recovery and as codependency has a pretty predictive path, they can help you during the rough times.
Don't give up!