Days 235 - 254
Post date: Mar 7, 2017 1:50:31 PM
I made this neat little Excel spreadsheet which tells me my days. It's so handy. Boy, it's been a few days since I've last written. Where do I begin?
Let's start with my failures. I had the opportunity to attend a writer's conference. I got to pitch one of my books to an agent. He was interested, so I sent a query letter. He was still interested, so I sent my manuscript. And he didn't like it. So I went from super high to, I'm ok. I wasn't crushed, devastated, my whole world was ending. It was an awesome rush, but that's it. During the rush, I was able to go home and see my family. I was so excited about the events, I was basically jumping up and down. And then it hit me, getting an agent isn't joy, having my family around me, supporting me, that is joy. My family loves me. I accept that love and love them in return. I may have been rejected by one agent, but I'm accepted and loved by my amazing family.
On Saturday, after a super long, exhausting day, I beat my family home. I decided I would surprise them and bake them cookies. I had everything put away and cookies happily baking in the oven when they arrived home. No one noticed. I was so upset. Here I'd gone and done this really nice thing and no one noticed. I reverted to codependent behaviors. I got really mad and instead of saying, "Why isn't anyone happy I bake cookies?" I yelled, belittled, and freaked out.
Later, Jared said, "So you wanted us to know you baked cookies, yet, you cleaned up everything and there was no way to know you baked cookies." I mentioned the delicious smell coming from the kitchen. To which, my very congested husband laughed. I laughed too. How silly. Doing something nice for someone, which they didn't ask you to do, and then getting mad because they don't acknowledge it is Codependency 101. Jared later admitted the cookies were delicious and we had a good laugh.
I've become pretty active on Twitter @kelleymlikes if you want to follow me. I've found Twitter to be a great place to write and share my stories. I've participated in a couple of contests and haven't won a single thing. I do, however, have followers and people who like what I write. I enjoy writing bits and pieces every day. I feel like I'm promoting what I'm writing in a positive way. It doesn't matter if I win, only that I get to share what I do with others.
I guess those failures were just learning lessons. I'm still learning, every day.
Now, my on to my successes. My daughter was upset in church. I put my arm around her and comforted her the entire meeting. She didn't shrug me off or push me away. She let me comfort her.
I met with a group of women on Saturday. I had the opportunity to share my journey with them. I haven't seen them in six months, so I had a lot of catching up to do. I heard repeatedly from them that I always seemed so happy, like everything was great and nothing was wrong. I was very good at pretending. My norm was to pretend everything ok. Smile and nod. Outside my home was my safe place. Inside, well, that was hell.
I was happy to report to them a lot of what I've learned. I've realized I really don't have stress any more. I'm not upset or on edge. I like the quiet moments in life. Yes, some things have dropped off my radar, and that's ok. Apparently, I'm doing just fine without those things. In fact, I'm doing amazing. I like that word.
I was able to share the steps of recovery with a friend. I recognize the crazy pain in codependency. The "not taking care of oneself" and trying to control the world. It's not worth it, trying to control the world. It is so worth it to take care of and love yourself.
I successfully did my taxes. Now this is something which has annoyed me for as long as I've been doing taxes. I'm a pretty smart person, so paying someone to plug in numbers has never made sense to me. This year, however, I was still annoyed and crabby. I sat down and began doing taxes and that's what I did, taxes. I wasn't thinking about twenty other things, I was focused. I ended up actually having a refund and recognizing mistakes in the prior 2 years' returns. I redid both of them and amended my return. What an accomplishment! I had made silly errors in the past, costing us thousands of dollars. I was so busy with other stupid stuff, I couldn't focus on the task at hand. Crazy. Taxes are actually fun, and yes, I just said that.
I've had other successes and failures over the past couple of weeks, but those above have been my favorites. In church on Sunday, I was able to bear my testimony. I love sharing what I know to be true. This time, I shared an analogy. Now, usually my analogies don't make any sense, generally, people cock their heads to the side and nod, like they really don't get it. And I don't blame them, my analogies are pretty bad.
On Sunday, I believe I had a good one. I've been pondering a lot about God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. I believe they are all distinct persons with the same purpose.
So here's my analogy: Think of school. God or Heavenly Father, is like the principal. Not just any principal, but a really good principal. Someone who knows the kids by name. Understands the workings of the school and how to make everyone successful. Someone who cares if you're being bullied or struggling. Someone who is always there with an open door. Someone who attends all the events and is your biggest supporter. Now, if you do something wrong, well the principal issues consequences. He wants you to be the best person you can be, and that means correcting you when you are wrong and helping you get back on the right path. God = Principal.
Next is Jesus Christ. He's like your favorite teacher. The one who always makes sense. Is always happy to see you. Is always there for you when you need to talk. You know walking into their room you will be accepted and loved. He teaches you things you need to know. He teaches, and reteaches, and reteaches, until you get it. He doesn't throw up his hands and call you a failure. You may do that, but he never will. Like the principal, the teacher will help you when you make mistakes. A truly good teacher knows you have to correct the wrong in order to get the right. Think of your most favorite teacher, I bet it wasn't the easiest teacher or the funniest teacher, I bet it was the most caring, honest, hardworking, knowledgeable teacher. Jesus Christ = Teacher.
The Holy Ghost is like the guidance counselor. Think about it, guidance counselors know everything about you. They also know a lot of stuff. Need to go to college, they know. Need scholarships, they know. Having a rough day, they know. need some advice about life, they know. Need to know if something is right or wrong, they know. Yet how often do you go and see your guidance counselor? Most of the time, you think you can do it all by yourself and you don't need any help. Doesn't matter, the Holy Ghost is there for you. To support and comfort you. Maybe that's why guidance counselors have an open door, welcoming hearts, and comfy couches?
You have three amazing beings who want nothing more for you to succeed and be the best person you can be. Turn your life over to them and see what happens!