Days 184 - 187
Post date: Dec 30, 2016 7:33:04 PM
TUESDAY - FRIDAY
I've been spending a lot of time thinking. Not really. I've been spending most of my vacation curled up with my husband watching Korean Dramas. Hehehehe!
I've bumped into people I haven't seen in a while. I'm still awestruck at how they react to me. So much hostility. It is sad I brought that out in people. I'm not trying to control you. I'm not trying to do anything to you. I'm simply trying to live my life to the best of my abilities.
I was talking to a friend yesterday. I was telling her all about my talk with Xanthos. About how grateful I was to be able to tell him I was sorry for how I was. This friend got upset with me. She told me I had done the best I could have done, given what I had been taught and how I was raised.
The truth is, I fell way short. Like a whole lot. I'm not beating myself up about it, but I wanted to apologize to Xan, face to face, or as close to it as I could. I wanted him to know I am truly sorry for the person I was. I don't ever want to be that person again.
Last year, I was reading an article in the Ensign, called He's the Bishop?. It's a short article about this man who had lived a very earthly life. He at one point, was involved with alcohol and his whole life came crashing down. A woman, who had known him during this time, 30 years previously, was shocked he was the bishop. How could a man like him, be the bishop?
People change. That's the whole point of this existence, to grow. To become the person God needs us to be. To want to become that person. To watch the miraculous things happen within our lives.
I like me. I remember my aunt gave my daughter a book once called I Like Me!. I remember reading it to my children. I remember wondering what it would be like to actually like myself. It seemed like such a far away dream. All I can do in this life is love and take care of myself. When I am able to do this, I am able to be a better wife, better mother, better friend, better teacher, better me. When I don't love and take care of myself, all those around me suffer the wrath of an unhappy person.
I did not ask to be codependent. That does not excuse my actions. I still need to apologize to those I have hurt. Now that I know better, I have to move forward. The past is gone. It needs to stay as broken glass.