Day 9

WEDNESDAY

I woke up happy and then it all went to hell. Well, not right away. I enjoyed a lovely walk, I felt at peace.

Then it was lunch time and I wanted to leave and go get sushi with my husband. Such a simple thing. If we were at home and not on vacation, I could have just left, but as we are coordinating the use of the cars, it was a bit more complicated.

Two of my daughters were still in bed at lunch time and one was working. I was ready to go and one of my daughters found out we were leaving for sushi and she wanted to come. She also said another daughter wanted to come, but needed to finish working first.

I went downstairs and asked my daughter what she was thinking. I was hungry and I wanted to eat. She said she wanted to go along and couldn't I just give her 30 minutes to finish working.

My other daughter, who HATES sushi said she wanted to go. I asked her why, so she could complain about it. Well, she yelled at me and started to cry. So both of them sat on the couch and cried.

My crazy went off. I should have just said, "No." But I was trying to be the nice mom and ended up being the witch, again. I stomped off to the kitchen, made myself some food and told my husband he could take the girls out to eat, that I didn't even want to go.

My sister-in-law, who works at the sushi restaurant we wanted to go to, surprised us by having her husband bring home enough sushi for everyone. Heavenly Father is amazing.

I, however, was going crazy. How dare my kids abuse me like that. Yell at me and tell me what to do. I'm a grown women. They have no respect for me. These thoughts swirled in my head for hours. My husband kept trying to tell me to just stop worrying about it, but I couldn't. He also told me I need to learn how to meditate, which I do need to learn how to do that. I always thought it was a waste of time, until now.

I feel so stupid for getting so out of control. If I would have just said no, they would have gotten upset, but not to this extreme. Now I feel like I have to apologize for wanting something. And then I'll feel bad that I apologized, again. ARGH. This is hard.

So after apologizing to them and them getting mad at me, I walked out of the house cursing their names. My husband came with me and we walked to a park. I was so upset. I felt so used. I felt so horrible. I sat on the swings.

I didn't want to be the witchy mom. I talked about how I hate being late to seminary every day. I teach seminary. I love seminary. I should be the first one there. It seems like I am always late because my girls can't get up. So I wait for them, cursing their names, on the way to SEMINARY. Something is clearly wrong in this situation. I get to seminary mad and upset, instead of spiritually charged. So we talked about boundaries. This year, I'll wake them up, yes I know I shouldn't, maybe I'll work on that too. If they are not in the car at 6:20 a.m., I'm leaving them. They can walk the 1/2 mile down hill to school. Boundaries are there to make me not go crazy.

When I got back from my walk, all three of them apologized for upsetting me. I upset myself. Crazy came full force into my mind. I told my husband that used to be my normal, feeling crazy and angry all the time. I just got really good, I'm lying to myself, at controlling it. Peace is so much better.

If you've noticed a tense switch in My Days, I've finally caught up and writing My Days during the actual day. So as I go through it, you get to read it.