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Days 85-88

posted Sep 22, 2016, 5:29 AM by Kelley Likes   [ updated May 23, 2017, 10:10 AM ]
MONDAY - THURSDAY

I'm recovering from horrible bout of codependency. It has been a rough couple of days. I'd rather have had a horrible case of the flu instead of what I just went through and what I put my family through.

Codependent people like to believe they are right. There is nothing wrong with that, so long as they only think they are right with regard to THEIR lives and not the lives of others. 

My son, the one on his mission, 1,400 miles away, sent me an email when I was knee deep into my bout saying, "Maybe it's a you thing." I remember thinking, "It's not me, I'm perfect." That's when the bells and whistles went off. IT WAS ME.

It would explain the very dark place I was in, my anger, my frustration, my totally hate everyone mood. Cause, that's not normal. 

I kind of felt like the Hulk. I had morphed into this green beast and was destroying everything around me. Daxton was crying himself to sleep. Mali was living in Zerin's room. Jared wasn't talking to me. I was sleeping in Mali's room. Even the puppies were laying low. 

Looking back, like way back, like 90 days back, this was normal. This chaos and drama was normal, daily, just the way things were. 

So now, the Hulk has returned to my normal form, I'm filled with regret and shame. I'm deeply sorry for the way I acted, the things I said, the things I did. I've hurt and shaken people I love. 

And it all started because I couldn't make my husband do what I thought he should be doing. Imagine that. I was trying to control something I didn't need to control.