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Days 207 - 214

posted Jan 26, 2017, 9:26 AM by Kelley Likes   [ updated Jan 26, 2017, 12:54 PM ]

I've been thinking a lot about what normal is. What codependent looks like. What it feels like, compared to "normal" people. I don't know much about "normal" people. I believe growing up, I thought all those happy moments on tv were just people acting. It wasn't really like that. Well, anyway, I've decided to make a table showing what I know to be codependent to what I think is normal. 

 Codependent "Normal"
Coming home after a long day of work. I just want to be left alone. I just want to pretend I don't exist. No, I don't want to help you. No, I don't want to do anything for you. Just leave me alone. I've spent all day working to make money for you and you don't even appreciate it. I'm wasting my life away in a job I hate so you can have clothes on your back. And do you appreciate it? No. You don't appreciate anything. I'm wasting my life away for you. And do you even care? No. 

Hi kids, how was your day? What did you do? I had a great day. Hugs. Kisses. Love you lots. 
My hopes and dreams don't matter. All I do is for you. I would be so much happier, if it weren't for you. You have taken everything from me. I am the victim here. Pity me. I will never get to be what I want to be or do what I want to do because of YOU. 

My hopes and dreams matter. In fact, me following after those hopes and dreams make me a happier person. 

And clean your room while you are at it. Why can't you ever keep your room clean? Why are so lazy? I work my butt off and still manage to clean up, sort of, so should you. What is the matter with you? 

I realize I can't do everything. I have someone come in to clean my house, because I can't do everything. When I feel inspired, I organize or clean. Otherwise, I know others enjoy this work more than me. 
All I do is spend my free time running you around. You take up all of my time and I don't have time to do anything for myself. And are you thankful? 

I take time for myself and doing things which make me happy. 
I noticed you got all A's except for 1 B. Why did you get a B? What's wrong with you? Didn't you study? Couldn't you have done better? I'm not spending all my hard earned money on your education for you to get a B.

Whoo-hoo! 6 A's and 1 B, that's amazing! Let's go out for ice cream to celebrate. 
Don't touch me. Seriously. Don't. Don't hug me, cuddle with me, be near me. Leave me alone. All you want to do is use me. You need a hug, here, let me give you a quick side hug. 

Hug. Hold hands. Be near you. Smoosh next to you in bed. Momma sandwich. Daddy sandwich. Hug. Kiss. 
Laughter. Joy. Happiness. Those don't exist here. I may have "moments" of happiness, but they don't last. They are usually because I helped someone. It is fleeting. It is unreachable. I just give up most days and settle or just being ok.Laugh a lot. Like about anything. Laugh so hard people stare at you in the restaurant. Laugh so hard milk comes out your nose and laugh some more. Smile. Because you can. Find joy in the little things, in the big things, in everything. Be happy. Because you can. It is yours to make, keep, and hold. 

I know what happiness is. I know what joy is. It is a choice and I make it every day. 

I am amazing. I am wonderful. Life is good. 

Dinner time. Who can get kicked out of the kitchen first. Who can complain the most, respond the harshest, get kicked out first? Can I possible eat this pasta any faster so I can leave? Oh wait, all I have to do is make some extremely rude comment and then I'll get kicked out. 

Actually enjoying a meal together. Talking about our day. Enjoying each other's company. 
Gifts. Why did you get me that? What do you want from me? I didn't ask you to get me anything. I don't need anything. I don't deserve anything. Do you know how much this costs? We can't afford this. Why? This isn't even anything I want. Or like. You don't know me at all. You don't love me. You don't care about me. All you do is want from me. Want, want, want. 

 Thank you! I love it. How thoughtful. 
Illness. I have so many aches and pains. Everything is broken, going to hell, need to be checked, wonky, dying, dead, ugly, gross. There is always something to make me feel like less of a person. Always something wrong. Only doctors can't seem to find anything. Medication doesn't seem to help. Nothing helps because the minute something is fixed, something else breaks. Countless ER visits for things that never amount to anything. Worrying about tests, which always come back negative. 

You know, I'm really ok. I'm pretty healthy, thank God for that blessing. I get a cold and I take care of myself. If something hurts, I take care of myself. I eat right and I exercise. I do good for my body. 
Leaving. I think about it all the time. I think about just going away and never coming back. Whether that is by taking a long drive to another state or in a coffin, it doesn't matter. I just need to get away. Always away. Thinking about how much better it will be to get away. Go somewhere where people know me and love me. Somewhere. Anywhere. Because there is better than here. No one appreciates me here. Here sucks. 

I know that being home all the time isn't a good thing. I know I need to take time for myself and go for a walk, find a place to think, find some quiet. After taking time for myself, home is a happier place, at least for me.
Work. Why do they always ask so much of me. I'm constantly doing things for everyone else. I work harder than everyone else. There is always one more thing they need me to do. They take advantage of me. I hate my job. I do and do and no one notices or says thank you. I'm not valued as an employee. I always do things wrong. Nothing I do is ever good enough. 

I set boundaries. I say no. I know what I can accomplish and I do it to the best of my abilities. Sometimes I fall short and that's ok. I like my job and if I don't, I'll find a new one. 
I will help everyone, except my family. They don't appreciate me anyway, so why bother with them. I will give and give, until I have nothing left to give. I make people happy by all the stuff I do for them. I give and give. I am a good person. I give so much. I matter to others. I give even if I don't want to. I would never want to say no to a person in need, even if it means hurting myself. 

Taking care of myself is the most important thing in my life. Taking care of my loved ones comes next. Family is important. Helping others is a good thing, but it doesn't consume my life. It is not my "high" or good feeling. I know a balance in all things or at least try. 
Communication. Don't you know what I am thinking? Why aren't you doing what I want. I will get extremely pissed off at you for not doing what I want, and may I point out, I've never really told you what I want you to do. I just expect you to know. And why aren't you doing it already? Why didn't you call, text or email? Why didn't you text, call or email back? Do you not care about me? Am I not important? I won't reply now, because it took you forever to respond. I'll punish you. Oh, you didn't get milk, didn't you know we were out? You missed the appointment, not my fault. I told you about last week sometime. You probably weren't listening. You never listen. You don't care. It's like I'm talking to the wall. No one listens to me. I have no value. What I have to say doesn't matter anyway, what's the point. I will completely shut down and not talk or communicate any more. You don't care anyway. You never listen. 

Communication is important. Very important. I will make sure to tell you what needs to be done in a way you will understand. I will not belittle you for not understanding, but will help and guide you. I want you to be successful. I want you to know how much you mean to to me. Let's talk about it. Let's work it out. Give me a minute to compose myself and then let's talk. 
Crisis. There is always one looming. Always something pending. Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it. Nothing good ever lasts. What am I talking about? Nothing good ever happens. It's all bad. Or that's at least what I look at and remember and constantly point out. 

Today is a good day. Let's go for a walk. Whatever happens will happen. I will work it out and it will all be ok. 
Love. Why do you love me? You just want something from me. You don't love me. What is love anyway? I'm not worth loving. I'm not worth anything. I am miserable. I'm depressed. I'm sad. What does love feel like anyway? Maybe I need to look for it somewhere else. Maybe you are the one who doesn't really love me. I can say the words just like you. Empty. Just empty. 

 I love you. I love you, too. Very much. Like a lot. 
Quiet. Are you absolutely insane? There is no quiet. There is no quiet in my brain. No quiet in my home. No quiet in the car. I talk. About anything, nothing, something, everything. Quiet is scary. Quiet means something bad is happening. There is no still. There is no calm. There is only chaos and constant motion. Do. Do. Do. There is no stopping. Constantly juggling everything. I am super woman. Quiet wastes time and money. You must be doing to be living. Walks in the park are nice. Flowers are beautiful. Nature is serene. Peace. Quiet. I don't need to hear my own voice all the time, I can listen to yours. Car rides in silence are peaceful. Silence is peaceful. Reflection is calm. 

I am not super woman. I am human. My life is not a waste. Whether I am doing or not, life is good. 

If you find yourself living in the codependent column, might I suggest, RECOVERY. Things can change. They can. I promise. They can.