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Days 108 - 116

posted Oct 20, 2016, 9:04 AM by Kelley Likes   [ updated May 23, 2017, 11:13 AM ]
WEDNESDAY - THURSDAY

Boredom. I never understood this word. Looking back at my life, I've usually held more than two jobs, as if one or two wasn't enough. I don't really know, now, why I did so many things. I was constantly moving, constantly doing, constantly being. It was all emptiness or a way to fill the emptiness.

I dropped all of my extra stuff when I began my recovery. All the extras gone. That equates to hours of time to just work on taking care of myself. I've found that with hours of time to work on myself, I'm bored. 

I asked my husband if he was ever bored. He said, "No, because he has ADD and his mind is constantly finding new stuff to think about." Or something like that. I thought, well, I constantly think of new stuff to think of, but what can I do? 

I've read some more books, I've gone to meetings, I've spent time with my family, I've spent alone time with my husband, I spend alone time with myself and that is all wonderful. Those moments are awesome. Sort of. 

The alone time with myself just feels unproductive. I feel like I need to make a list of things I need to be doing. I feel like one of my students who stops using their crutches because they are in a hurry to get places. Only when they stop using their crutches, chances are they will re-injure themselves. 

I've noticed when I try to busy myself with things to do, I often get very cross and irritated. When I don't take time to take care of myself, I get very cross and irritated. Doing too many things instead of taking care of myself makes me very cross and irritated. I see a pattern forming. 

I've been writing a lot. It is amazing to be able to write. I've started a new story about a little boy who doesn't like to read called, Jacob Doesn't Read. I'm about halfway done with it and it makes me smile. It's for 7-year-olds or 2nd graders. 

Not doing is ok. Taking a nap is ok. The dishes will get done, the dogs will get fed, the house will get painted, eventually. My life is not what I do, it is who I am.