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Day 215

posted Jan 27, 2017, 12:02 PM by Kelley Likes   [ updated Jan 27, 2017, 12:03 PM ]
FRIDAY

I have had several epiphanies in the past 24 hours. 

I have learned my biggest fear is being abandoned. Anything related to people leaving me, puts me in a really bad place. 

I have learned it is NOT my place to try and help my codependent children. They need to get professional help. It is not beneficial to my recovery to worry about theirs. It is my job to love them and care for them. That's what a mom is supposed to do. 

I'm sitting in a conference, sort of kind of paying attention.
 
So in my first meeting of the day, the guy told the following story: At one point the stone on the Washington Monument was eroding away at an alarming rate. When someone went to investigate, they asked those who worked at the Monument why this was happening, they said, "Well, the reason why is because of the soap we use to clean the stone, it is very caustic."

So the question was asked, "Why do you need to clean it?"
"Because of all the bird poop."
"Why do birds poop on the Monument?"
"Because they come to eat all the bugs?" 
"Why are there bugs?"
"Because the lights attract bugs and spiders."
"Huh?"
"So we turn on the lights at night, to light the Monument, and bugs and spiders come and stay, so bugs then come and eat them and then poop."
"So the soap isn't the problem, the lights are. What if you used a different type of light bulb that didn't attract bugs?"
"Then we wouldn't have to clean the Monument with the harsh soap."
"So the soap isn't the problem."
"I guess not." 

The guy said, basically, with every problem, you need to ask why until you get to the root of the problem. Otherwise it is just slapping band-aids on a body riddled with bullets. 

So here's my train of thought I gleaned from a tech conference:

My child is codependent because I am codependent. Why am I? Because my mother was. Why was my mother, because she came from an alcoholic home and was neglected. She had no value to her family.

What did I not have: love, care, concern, respect, acknowledgement, hope, faith, time, and value.

What is my child lacking? I don't know. So I need to ask. 

The second thought was to determine what I want out of life and figure out what how get it. 

So this is what I want:

TO HAVE AN ETERNAL FAMILY:
Who is on your team?
How will you make decisions?
What will you create?
How will other people build on it?

I have a lot of questions to ask and can't wait to get some answers.