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Day 7

MONDAY

I didn't sleep much. I tossed and turned. I have peace, will I lose it the minute I see him? Will it all vanish? What am I going to do? PANIC.

I woke up around 3:00 a.m. thinking of all the stuff my family would forget to bring. I worried about the dogs having water, the turtles getting fed, the plane crashing. I started repeating over and over in my head, "Worrying never changed anything. Worrying will never change anything." Over and over, for about 30 minutes, until I was calm enough to fall back to sleep.

I went to the airport to pick up my family and I was trying to stay calm. Miraculously, I did. I had super whiny kids, because they had had little to no sleep, but besides that, all was well.

We went to a family picnic and it was great to catch up with everyone. It was nice to just be and listen. I got to hold a baby for an hour. What an amazing thing to do. After a quick nap, we headed to another family gathering. I, again, held a baby. It was nice. I rocked him until he fell asleep.

It was time for fireworks, so we headed to a parking lot. I was dreading fireworks. Not the fireworks themselves, but meeting with family members who I feel like I have wronged. When they showed up, it was cold. I felt like my brother-in-law gave me a "She's here, what are you going to do about it?" sort of look. My sister-in-law ignored me for the entire hour she sat beside me. After the fireworks, while we were watching the fire department put out a barn fire, I went up to her and I asked her if I could talk to her. 

I told her that I am in recovery. That the last six months have been really tough on me. I told her that I was sorry for anything I may have done or said which could have offended her. I couldn't help it, I started to cry. I told her I was truly sorry and if she would accept my apology. She did. It felt wonderful. I never thought saying I was sorry for my stupid actions, when I felt I was in the right. 

We began the 15 minute ride home. A wrong turn lead to an hour long ride home. I told my mother-in-law that I was sorry I had lied to her 23 years ago, about the relationship I was having with her son. We spent the next hour talking about wrongs we felt we had done. One of my biggest was a family trip to Hawaii. I was so mean. I felt like I had ruined the trip for everyone. I carried that guilt around for 18 years. The funniest thing is that the people in the car didn't even remember how I had acted. They didn't even see the need for me to apologize. 

Saying I'm sorry, whether you feel you are justified or not, is healing.