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Day 5


Generally, I hate flying. When I say hate flying, I mean HATE flying. Usually, I'm up all night, I have a stomach ache, diarrhea, headache, and I'm mean and nasty to everyone. I woke up excited to go. I packed quickly, kissed the kids goodbye, and headed to the airport. I even took time to walk to the terminal and enjoy the beautiful artwork. I never knew the airport had such amazing artwork. I got to the terminal feeling refreshed and excited to fly to Utah.

My in-laws life in Utah. Most of my husband's family and extended family live in Utah. My daughter is visiting my in-laws. My son is even serving a mission in Utah. I will be one hour away from him and I haven't seen him in 10 months. 

In the past, any visits from me have resulted in a whirl wind of chaos. My in-laws would spend every waking moment around me, walking on egg shells. They were afraid to say things, because they didn't know how I would react. Generally, I was mad 95% of the time. You could feel the tension every time I visited. It was painful. When people would drop by to visit, there was always a moment of hesitation to see what kind of mood I was in and could they actually greet me or should they just leave me alone and find someone nicer to talk to.

I sat in the airport, listening to Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. I found peace in the words, which only days early had awakened me to my codependency. I was amazed the words hadn't changed. Silly thought, but it was mine. I had heard correctly. All the things I had heard were mine to absorb and understand and deal with. 

I sat peacefully waiting for my flight to begin boarding. No stress, no worries, it was amazing. I kept glancing over my shoulder at all the people lining up at the gate. A whole herd of people anxiously waiting to board. Didn't the guy just say they were waiting for the crew to arrive? After 20 minutes I figured I should join in the fray, although I didn't want to. I just wanted to sit and enjoy my book.

I found my seat and quickly settled in. I got out my 12 Step binder and began reading. I completed Steps 1-3 during my four hour flight. 

I didn't even notice the landing, the part that scared me the most. 

I welcomed my father-in-law and daughter with true joy and love. It's amazing what NOT worrying about something I can't change does for a person. 

We talked about stuff on the way to my in-laws house, it was basic chit chat. When we got to their house, I was a bit nervous. How would I be greeted? It had been a rough 23 years. The past 6 months had been full of so much hurt and pain. What was it going to be like?

I spent the next four hours talking to my mother-in-law about my codependency. We both cried. I acknowledged the way I used to make everyone feel. The craziness I brought into not only my life, but the lives of everyone around me. There was much healing in those four hours. 

At one point, my daughter said, "I told you, you were codependent a year ago." I was shocked. No she didn't. Then I remember her making the comment. At that time, I thought a codependent person was someone who couldn't live without another person. I knew I could live without my husband, I didn't NEED him in my life. I had no idea a codependent person looses themselves in their quest, either conscious or unconscious to control others. Needless to say, my daughter rolled her eyes at my discovery.

What I discovered is a year ago, I wasn't ready to find out I was codependent. I wasn't ready for change. I hadn't fallen far enough to want change.

I hadn't watched my step-father die, try to resuscitate him, fail, plan his funeral, and give is eulogy. Only to have my grandmother die three months later. Send a child on a mission the day after her funeral. Visit with my Godmother, my last, before she passed away a few months later. I wasn't able to go to her funeral. I couldn't take the time. I should have, I know that now, but I couldn't then.

My grief was extensive. I taught seminar, taught school, came home, put on my pjs (most days, some days it was just garments), and sat on my bed. I ceased to function as a human being. This lasted six months. 

I was awakened when my brave husband asked me for a divorce in December. 

I finished the day by visiting my favorite person in the world, my husband's grandmother. It was an amazing visit. It was an amazing day.