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Day 2

WEDNESDAY

So what had I learned in 24 hours? I had learned I was VERY Codependent. I realized I was trying to control my husband. I realized the crazy in my head was caused from my codependency. 

When I woke up, my husband asked me what I wanted to talk about. I shared with him my findings. 

I had printed out the the Characteristics of a Codependent and highlighted all my codependent characteristics and crossed off the ones I felt didn't relate to me. I asked him to look at it and see if any of the things I had crossed off, I did. I needed his help to identify what I was doing. Here's an Google Doc of the Characteristics of a Codependent you can copy and use: Characteristics of a Codependent.

What I found was that on the 9 pages of characteristics, I had highlighted more than 50% of them, which meant a bunch of them I didn't think applied to me.

It scared me that of the Progressive Characteristics I had all but the last one. 

I had no energy. I was beyond depressed, naps had become my way of life. I didn't want to talk to friends or family. I was purposely avoiding people at church. I just didn't care how my day went, if I could sleep until noon, I would. My house was dirty. My kids felt unloved (well, I thought they did). I had no hope. I was planning on leaving, just getting in the car and never looking back. I thought about ending my life, more than once. Rage was a daily emotion. I had lost 35 pounds in the past 6 months, what was point in eating? I've been around addicts all my life, so drugs and alcohol were not even thoughts. 

Not to mention, doing drugs or drinking would brake my covenants and I held tight to my covenants.  


Progressive: In the later stages of codependency, codependents may:
  • feel lethargic.
  • feel depressed.
  • become withdrawn and isolated.
  • experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
  • abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
  • feel hopeless.
  • begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
  • think about suicide.
  • become violent.
  • become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
  • experience an eating disorder (over- or undereating).
  • become addicted to alcohol and other drugs.

by Melody Beattie

I returned my Google Books version of Melody's book and ordered the Audible version. I also ordered
Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time.

As I listened to the book, I was amazed at how much Melody knew about my life. I was amazed at how so many things in my life were written in a book which was started when I was 6 years old.  

I cried, a lot. They were tears of joy. Finally, I had a definition of what was wrong with me and a way to heal. 

I listened to the book in 1.25 speed and completed the first one and started on the next book. I couldn't get enough of the affirmation I could get better. I could be sane. I could heal. The craziness could go away. 

At some point during the day, my husband emailed me and told me I needed to send him a new copy of the list, because I had crossed off too many things. I created a Google Doc and went through the list again, taking care to mark all of the ones I believed I did.  

I spent most of the day listening to the second book. There was hope for me. I had learned so very much. It was amazing. I was amazing or could think I was, some day. 

I took my girls to Young Women and sat in the foyer and listened to the book. I came home and slept peacefully for the first time in years.