Days 21-29

MONDAY-MONDAY

It is weird, but I am living my life. It is amazing. The past week has been amazing. One of my biggest causes of stress is my house. It's never clean. I'm a hoarder by nature. Too busy taking care of everyone else to do much with the clutter around me. Usually cleaning involves me yelling, screaming, belittling, controlling. It's a nightmare. My kids usually give up and cry, long before the task is done.

First, we moved my daughter into her own room. That was interesting. I had a week to do things and that's how long I expected things to take. No staying up until 2:00 a.m. getting it all done in one day. We moved ALL of her stuff out of her old room and moved ALL of her brother's stuff out of my room. We then began putting stuff away, again, no rush. After putting away all of my son's stuff, we moved on to my daughter's stuff. She is also codependent, but we are working on her. It is sad that I see the way she acts and realize that's how I used to act and respond.

My daughter freaked out and had to have everything perfect. I put everything that was left, of hers, in a box, and told her she had the rest of the week to get things in order, it was only Monday. She pitched a fit, but was happy to not be under an insane time limit. 

I cleaned out my extra closet and made a man cave for my husband. It made me smile to think he now has a place for himself. He even moved his bass and his drums into the room. 

Next, we tackled the garage. It's a mess. There is basically a small walk way in and out. The first day, I wanted to move some of the wood in the garage and then some of the books. A small task, lots of moving, about two hours of work. The girls freaked out, because they thought we were going to do it all in one day. But we didn't and they were happy. 

Wednesday, the hard work began. Yes, I did have to yell for them to come help, but once they arrived, I was happy and didn't badger them. We just worked. It was nice. We worked hard. The garage is now organized. We recycled 20 bags of stuff, took two van loads full to Goodwill, and had a few bags of garbage. The girls worked on boxes I knew had stuff I would want to keep and they happily gave everything to Goodwill. That was such a relief. I think codependency makes it hard for me to let things I really don't need go. If I never see a bag or box again, will I truly miss it. 

The rest of the week I enjoyed my organized house. I enjoyed spending time with my husband and children. I laughed. 

Thursday, I had this feeling, one I've never had before. I feel full. Stuffed, kind of like a teddy bear. My whole life, I've always felt empty. A gnawing emptiness. It's ripped me of my sense of self-worth. It's made me feel unsafe and unworthy. 

Today, I feel stuffed. I feel full. I feel different than I have ever felt before. I'm still going down this road of recovery. Now, however, I'm living my life. I'm seeing the world with new eyes and am excited about my future. 

I cannot control people. Worrying about things will NEVER change things. It NEVER has and it NEVER will. I will NOT instantly react to events in my life. It is OK to just wait a second or two to see what happens. I've found that most of the time, everything works out. It's kind of amazing.

I know that I am a daughter of God. I know I have worth. My life is far from perfect. I am far from perfect, but I am now happily skipping down the right path.