Days 14, 15, 16


Is it Wednesday already? How did that happen? When did I go from living minute to minute and weeks dragging by to it's Wednesday? And it is still ok. In fact it is better than ok, it is amazing. 

Monday, I had another Lego Animation Camp. I have 15 campers and I'm doing it all by myself. Craziness, but it isn't. I'm calm. It is AMAZING what I am capable of doing when I am just focusing on myself and letting everyone else live their lives. Holy cow. AMAZING.

I was thinking about my classroom. My boss wanted to order new chairs and typical me, I'm like these crappy chairs are just fine. They all sort of work. He pushed it though. Why not have something nice for my classroom. Yeah, why not? I'm not paying for it and I need it, and the school is offering, so why say no? Because someone else might need new chairs, well the whole school, practically has new chairs, except for me. It's time for new chairs. 

I had the most wonderful housekeeper start yesterday. Bless her heart, she's amazing. I walked into my home, my biggest codependent trigger, and it smelled wonderful. I wasn't stressed or worried, or anxious. I was doing something for myself, that right now, I'm not capable of doing. My house had gotten far from where it needed to be and I'm just not able to clean it on my own. And in steps my new housekeeper. Did I mention she's amazing. She moved stuff around and put it in places which made sense. Took crowded places and moved things to empty spaces. It's weird, you'd have to see it, but it made sense. For example, in my bathroom, my garbage can usually sits behind the door. Every morning, I bang the door against the garbage can and it swings back and hits me. I think to myself, "stupid garbage can." Well, she moved it beside the toilet. Now the door doesn't swing and hit me and my garbage can is not the focal point of the room. WOW. Peace in the bathroom, such a simple thing. 

It is sad, the place I am the safest, has never felt safe to me. It does now. My house is full of people who love me and would do anything for me. Why didn't I see that before?

I actually had fun cleaning out the refrigerator. I even fixed the broken shelf, which has been driving me crazy for a long time. I would actually get mad at my kids every time I would pull out the drawer, because, jesh, didn't they know it was broken. (Probably not). And couldn't they be more careful. (Probably not). But now it is fixed and it works. 

I threw out stuff I didn't need and it felt good. Even tossed out my frying pan, which, thanks to my new housekeeper, was easy to do. 

People are amazing, they really are. I had so much fun cleaning. Wait, don't quote me on that. You might get the wrong idea. I think that in time, I will be able to keep my house clean, and if I don't, I know someone who can!

My family returns tonight! I'm so VERY excited! I miss them. I can't wait for them to see the house. Maybe, now, we can have peace in our house. It is a new adventure. 

I made the dreaded call to my mother this morning. I have not talked to her in over two weeks, not since she got upset and told me she wanted to bash my head in and I was satanic for getting henna tattoos with my daughters. She, shockingly, has found another person in need of rescue. In fact, she said, "Moving on to someone else to help." I love my mom. I am not mad at her. I realize I need to heal and having her be a part of my life is NOT a good idea, right now. Below is my email to her. A part of me is waiting for her reply. The mean things she will say, the accusations she will toss, the crying, the anger, the craziness, gives me a headache to think about it. 

Did I mention my family is coming home and my house is clean? It will ALL be ok!!!

Dear Mom,

Something you said today, really got me thinking. “Moving on to someone else to help.”

15 days ago, I found out I was codependent. Codependent does NOT mean I need someone or have to be with someone. Codependent means I’m so busy trying to fix everyone else’s problems, I forget to take care of myself.

I have hurt my family in ways I’ve never imagined. I’ve hurt my children and my husband. I am not taking blame for Jared’s actions. My anger, manipulation, care taking, enabling have pretty much destroyed any peace within my family.

I am 15 days in recovery. I am learning to take care of myself. I do not need someone else to help. I am go to addiction recovery meetings once a week. I am focusing on the 12 steps of codependency. I am healing. I have peace for the FIRST time in my life.

On this journey, my husband and children come next. I do not need anyone else to take care of right now.

I did not choose to be codependent. This is a learned behavior, because of my upbringing. Most children of alcoholics show some signs of codependency. It is a nasty self-destructive behavior.

Mom, you are codependent.

You should not have 7 kids at your home. You should not do so much for others, to try to fill your emptiness. All it does is leave you bitter and angry.

I have learned I can’t control other people. I can only control myself. I can’t control you.

I have peace. It is amazing. I wake up happy. I go to bed happy. I am learning to love myself. I am learning to walk on my own two feet and it is amazing. I’m also learning to let others walk on their own two feet, and I’m amazed at the results.

My learning about my codependency was an answer to a prayer. I am so grateful to know why I was so angry for all my life. Why I felt so out of control. I am amazed at everything.

I read a couple books by Melody Beattie. Codependent No More and Beyond Codependency. That along with my 12 step meetings, have helped me to begin the healing process.

I wish you luck with your new project, but know, that until you deal with your codependency, you are destined to fail. I don’t mean that in a mean way, it is just the reality of the problem. Filling up with other things never fills your emptiness.

Denial is also strong. But I see all the same behaviors of my codependency in you. The first step is to admit you are powerless to your codependency and that your life has become unmanageable. Let me know when you get to that step. Then we can talk. Until then, I’m in recovery and I need my space to heal.

I love you. I am not mad at you, or upset with you. Right now, you are caustic, a time bomb waiting for yet another moment to explode, another victim to “help” or control. I do not need to be helped or controlled. I need to heal.