Day 20


Oh, Church, how I've missed you. I missed taking the sacrament last week, because I was travelling back to Georgia. As I was leaving, of course the panic of being late was looming. I had to go in the house and yell for my daughter. When she got in the car, I could see herself brace for the lecture, except I didn't really have one to give. She just needed to get in the car so we could go. 

I had peace during the meetings and truly felt the Spirit. During Relief Society, I shared, like I always do. After Relief Society, three women gathered around me. Three codependent woman. It was wonderful to talk to them and see where they were on their journeys of recovery. 

Again, I have 80 million things to do, but today is a day of rest. It is ok to rest. It is actually healthy to rest. 

I'm excited for a new week. 

I keep thinking of the image of me holding my husband's coat. I'm drowning and I'm desperately holding on to the bottom of his coat. He's trying desperately to stay afloat. I'm drowning. He's barely staying afloat. He can't help me. I'm drowning. Letting go means, letting go, so I can float to the top of the water and we can both survive. Codependency doesn't mean someone is holding me up, it means I'm dragging people down. And I'M ALREADY DROWNING. There is nothing they can do for me until I LET GO. 

It's nice to be at the surface of the water and not be drowning anymore. That doesn't mean I won't go under occasionally, but it means I'm learning to swim.