Day 17

THURSDAY

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I went to work until 5:00 and then headed home. This feeling of dread creeping back into my life. It's my husband's first day back at work. Things I can't control are there. I don't know if I can handle it. 

I physically got sick and had to lie down. My stomach is a mess. I made dinner. 6:45 I text him. No answer. I call. No answer. 10,000 what ifs fly into my head. I am not ok. 7:00 we eat dinner without him. 7:15, I have to leave the house. I'm in full on panic mode. 

What ifs suck. I was going to go to a meeting, but wasn't feeling well. I can blame bad guacamole all I want, I know that's not it. He's called 6 times and I just can't pick up the phone. 10,000 crazy thoughts floating around in my brain. It is so hard to not jump to conclusions. 

I drove to church, the safest place I could think of. I'm staring at the picture of the Savior. Where did the peace go? It just vanished. I got upset at my daughter for not doing what I asked. She said something nasty back. It's like insanity all over again. My therapist said, "Try not to let my kids in on your panic." I totally sucked them into my panic mode. I should have left before sitting down to eat. Maybe ordered a pizza and not made dinner. 

He's called seven times, left a message. I just can't talk to him right now. I want to scream and cry. I know that I can't change people. I know that I can't control them. Right now, I don't know how I'm going to get through this. 

My mom texted me this morning and told me she loved me. Those words are so empty. She knows that's something I crave from her, so she tosses the empty words out. It bugs me. I have never felt like she loved me. I think at one point in her life she realized she was supposed to tell me she loved me, so she did. But the words have never held any meaning for me. There are no actions of love associated with those words. 

I think I'm going to head to Target to buy a new frying pan. 

On the way out of church, I ran into two missionaries, Elder Davis and Elder Kong. Needless to say, Thank You Heavenly Father for missionaries. They radiate love and acceptance. My crazy vanished while I talked to them. I don't even know why they were there. I'm not sure they knew why they were there, but Heavenly Father knew why they were there. 

I went home, still a bit worried, but not crazy. I cleaned up the supper dishes and went upstairs. I found a genuinely concerned husband. He treated me to a full body massage. I went to bed happy.